Feeling Like a Nap

The problems I'm facing right now seem so important and a year from now they'll seem irrelevant. I wish I could say this gives me some ounce of happiness to know that a year from now it won't even matter, but I won't have a happy life later if it weren't for the sadness I have now. I don't really have anyone I can speak to right now, and I isolate people who may care at one point or another. 

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were born someone else. Or somewhere else. I feel disconnected from everyone here sometimes. Most times, actually. I don't want to have that special snowflake syndrome, but I don't feel I have a deep connection with anyone whose interests are similar to mine. Sometimes I try spending time with people I used to really enjoy spending time with, and find that it's not the same. When you grow, you go down different paths most times. My experiences don't mirror those of someone else I've met. I don't feel comfortable talking about the things I'm going through, because I don't have anyone who can empathize. I don't want sympathy, and I don't want pity. I want a mutual understanding of a similar struggle. I want someone to talk to who will make me feel whole again. I have this emptiness that comes and goes, and no matter how religious I may be, I still feel sadness consuming me. It's not fun and I wish it would stop.

I wish I could stop thinking for a few seconds and understand how it is to be blissfully unaware of how shitty everything in life is. I sound so angsty and I can imagine some 47 year-old reading this in anger because I think my life is hard when they have three kids and one of them is starting college and wondering how many bills I have to pay or how many times I've gotten yelled at while at work. I can imagine. But people always tell me not to compare my strife to that of others. So when someone tells me all of the things going on with 
them, I won't feel like mine matter less. My problems are as real to me as their problems are to them.

I find myself playing my uke less and less. Maybe because I know I'm just going to give up on that like I do everything else. Or maybe because it sounds so happy when I'm most often not in that mental state.

Gabriella