12:58 a.m.

I feel very alone. I'm not alone, but that's how I feel. It's nobody's fault but my own. I have a very hard time communicating which puts a hefty strain on my personal relationships. I get to see my therapist on Tuesday for the first time in what seems to be over two weeks. I'm excited for that and feel as though I have a lot to talk about.

I miss college and miss talking to people about their ideas. There was a man in my English class who was very thoughtful and I enjoyed hearing him talk about just his beliefs and opinions. He was a very technical person, and I like these people. People who speak carefully and think about their words; people who think with their heads and not their hearts. I'm a very emotional person and my feelings tend to rule my life over the logic I know I possess. I want to be around people like that again. My friends are not like that. Which isn't bad; they're like me and sometimes you need a short break from who you are.

I was thinking of taking another English class with a large discussion portion but the extra money is a bit worrisome for me. But I enjoy college and I enjoy learning so maybe I'll do it. Maybe it'll pay off in wondrous ways. But I think that the more I write, the more the person I try to be comes out. Being that speaking is so difficult for me, I express many things in words. When speaking I ditch the flowery language and beautiful metaphors. When writing I feel completely different, as though my words can have an impact on people. I don't feel I have an impact on people. And if I do, it's not a very good one, I think. I have no reason to write now, however. There is no purpose for me to do so, and in a way I feel empty; as if a part of me is missing. It's one of those things hitting me lately and makes me feel pressured to decide what I may want in life. For now I want peace mostly, and a sense of belonging. But I want other things. I want companionship, I want to make beautiful things, I want to work with people, and I want to help people. I like making others happy. I like seeing people smile. I can understand that I don't look the friendliest. I have a nose piercing and a septum ring. My hair is slightly burgundy and a bit unruly with its curls at times. But I know I'm a good person. It's very hard convincing others that you are, however.

I don't know if this post has spelling errors, as I am on my phone. I'll check in the morning. I think I'll exercise when I wake up at 9:30 and then take a shower and relax for an hour with some green tea and blogging on tumblr.

I hope in the morning I will feel even better than how I did when I woke up on Sunday. I hope and pray for the best.

Gabriella