The Drums are ruining my life

In the best way possible at least.
I started listening to them in 2011 during the summer. That was when I was moving between the phases you go through as a teenager. I had ditched all my skinny jeans and was only concerned about the beach and getting a tan and looking at stars while covered in sand. Of course I heard Let's Go Surfing first by them. And then I think I heard Best Friend. And then probably Forever and Ever Amen.
Side Note: Forever and Ever Amen has been my favorite song, both by the Drums and in general, for the past three years. No regrets. I don't get tired of it because I only listen to it when I need to feel like things will get better for me.

But despite listening a couple of their songs, I didn't really get into them until 2012. I had about 60% of their songs downloaded with at least some of the lyrics in my memory. Over the past couple of years, I've quickly just become more and more engrossed by them. I mean, their music is fantastic, and they're just fantastic people in general. Jonathan Pierce and Jacob Graham are the most down to earth men in the world. And they're so damn talented. Their knowledge of music is so incredibly vast. I've heard Jonny speak lovingly of Doo Wop classics and Jacob speak fondly of the pioneers of music with synths. You have these two guys with the love of a broad spectrum of music get together to make something they find beautiful and it's wonderful.

So being that I'm such a huge fan, I practically jumped out of my chair when that tweet was posted earlier this year. Yeah, that tweet.

I felt a plethora of feelings. And I had so many questions. Which were not answered. For a few months, at least.

Long story short, I'm excited because the album they're releasing in Autumn because they're my favorite band and they'll be relevant to me during an album release for the first time. I finally saw them live last Friday actually. They held a free mini concert in Manhattan, where I live. There were too many people and everyone was high or drunk or trying to get high or drunk. Everyone was too tall and reeked of cigarettes. I waited on the line for over an hour and had to run across the street to use the restroom in a delicatessen that was just a god awful scent of piss and broken dreams. But after all that, those twenty minutes of their performance were the best twenty minutes of live music I've ever seen. I'm obviously biased because of how much I love them, but I think they have a great stage presence. I love how in tune they are to what they're doing. I'm only 5'1" so I barely got to see Jacob or Jonathan, but the glimpses were worth it because I'm a disgusting fangirl.

Anyway, I bought a ticket for the show here in September (and I'm currently waiting for ticketmaster to send me a link to the ticket like what. If there's an issue with it I'll probably cry and I'm praying to God that my ticket is okay and is on its way.) But I'm sure it'll be the raddest night of my life. I bought the single already that has Rules of Your Life which is the perfect song, by the way. I saw the music video of Magic Mountain too. Just this morning. It's perfect.

I'm an avid fan of not only the Drums, but Jonathan and Jacob's other projects too. I was looking forward to Jonathan's solo album, but I'm not sure where that stands. There's also another song he performed for something I can't remember. He was wearing a pink suit and it sounded lovely. Oh I found it.

I've also listened to Jacob's other projects like Horse Shoes, and Cascading Slopes which are both honestly just grand.

Honestly watching these guys do their thing is so inspirational and uplifting. I'm going to declare my major as music hopefully by the end of my spring semester, and I can only hope I'm as successful as making an impact in the world of music and on people as Jacob Graham and Jonathan Pierce.

I'm pumped for the release of Encyclopedia in its entirety and I hope that one day I get to meet the band and if that happens hopefully I won't look like the most giant of the nerds and only mildly nerdy.

Last Night Was Cool

I keep thinking of san francisco by foxygen and getting really into it until i realize that i dont know all the words.

This is a post with incorrect grammar because i am on my phone.

I was in the fitting room at Burlington earlier dying as my mom tried things on and taking photos of myself because I'm incredibly vain. Let's try this again:

I keep thinking of San Francisco by Foxygen and getting really into it until I realize that I don't know all the words. I really only paid attention to a couple of Foxygen's songs until recently. Make it Known was fantastic and I vaguely recall Take the Kids off Broadway. I listen to the San Francisco everyday now and have little regrets.

I downloaded some songs last night because I felt entirely nostalgic. I wish I grew up in the 90s really. Or I should say I wish the music and fashion of the 90s were thriving today instead of then. Really I'd like to live in any decade when music was fantastic and I would have been able to live semi comfortably in a city despite the color of my skin. Damn those pesky racists. But I hate the idea that because you're a certain age you're unable to gain nostalgia from a certain period's music. I grew up with my mom blasting R&B from the 80s and 90s when 1) I wasn't born and 2) I wasn't old enough to really capture the essence of the music. I'm not even sure how these music choices came to be for me last night. I started off watching the music video to some song I used to love and then ended up on The Verve and Blur and Pulp and New Order and Joy Division.

God I feel like such an asshole for this Joy Division thing. When I was 16 and decided I want to be some weird hipster nerd kid with picky taste in music, I searched online for these bands that nobody my age would know about because I just had to be "different." Somewhere along the line I found out about Joy Division and everyone was into them and I tried listening to them and couldn't get into it at all. Ian Curtis' voice made me uncomfortable with its deep tone and raspiness. I ignored them for a bit but after someone I admired mentioned them I would give them another try. Somehow later along the lines when I stopped being an idiot, I got really into the Smiths for a bit. And someone said, "Hey if you like the Smiths check out Joy Division." I groaned internally and tried again to no avail. Still wasn't into them. Fast forward to now when I still try too hard while having people under the impression that I, in fact, do not, I tried listening to them again. I was so deeply into their songs and it made me feel weird. How many times did I have to listen to them before I decided I could really listen to them. Their music makes me feel like I should be apologizing for hurting people and looking at stars on a rooftop or getting drunk in someone's backyard. I don't know. I'm glad I gave them another chance, and all those others a first real chance I suppose.

Gabriella

Radios > Anything

I wish I were good enough at any instrument to be in a band. But I'm not and I doubt I ever will be. When I was in sixth grade, I had the dream of playing my clarinet in Jazz-Rock fusion band. This didn't happen and I'm not sure if I'm glad it didn't. How great does Jazz-Rock sound? Does this exist already? I need answers.

Music has always been a huge part of my life, from when I was young, up until now. I listened to Radio Disney as a kid, and my mom used to play this R&B station called 98.7 Kiss FM which just went off the air a couple years ago. I remember every Christmas my mom would play Elvis Presley's Blue Christmas on our huge stereo system via a cassette. When all my friends were listening to strictly CDs, my mom was still stuck on cassettes and I'm glad I had the opportunity to see how they worked for some time in my life as they're obsolete by now. I have really fond memories of the song Do You Hear What I Hear. It was my favorite Christmas song. Now I'm having awful flashbacks to Dominique the Donkey, and The First Noel.

Gosh. When I was growing up, there was no holding back any genre in our house. When I approached my first teenage year at 13, I was in middle school and used to listen to the greatest rock station in NYC. I would stay up all night sometimes just to hear songs I never heard of. Classics like Summer of '69, Boys of Summer, It's My Life, Hotel California, Piano Man, gosh all that good stuff. They played music from across the decades so I became a huge fan of certain songs like Popular by Nada Surf, Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground, Oscar Wilde by Company of Thieves, and Closing Time by Semisonic. I became so engrossed in the music I was listening to, and I felt on top of the world whenever I lied down in my bedroom, staring out at the stars while listening to Bittersweet Symphony.

Sometime when I was in 8th grade, that awful green radio-phone abomination turned off and never turned on again. I felt a part of me had gone missing, kind of like when the stereo system we had went kaput. By that time, everyone was listening to music online, and downloading songs onto their MP3 Players. Despite not wanting to, I gave in to the hype. Listening to music online is not nearly as great as listening to it on the radio. Music through the airwaves has a different sound. It feels more like home. It's a simpler platform than what we use more today, but I feel that if I heard all my current favorite bands on the radio, I would become entirely nostalgic. Having to fiddle around with the position of your radio when the sound becomes fuzzy and hearing the hum in between songs are the greatest feelings.

I miss my radio.

I think I'll buy another radio.

Feeling Like a Nap

The problems I'm facing right now seem so important and a year from now they'll seem irrelevant. I wish I could say this gives me some ounce of happiness to know that a year from now it won't even matter, but I won't have a happy life later if it weren't for the sadness I have now. I don't really have anyone I can speak to right now, and I isolate people who may care at one point or another. 

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were born someone else. Or somewhere else. I feel disconnected from everyone here sometimes. Most times, actually. I don't want to have that special snowflake syndrome, but I don't feel I have a deep connection with anyone whose interests are similar to mine. Sometimes I try spending time with people I used to really enjoy spending time with, and find that it's not the same. When you grow, you go down different paths most times. My experiences don't mirror those of someone else I've met. I don't feel comfortable talking about the things I'm going through, because I don't have anyone who can empathize. I don't want sympathy, and I don't want pity. I want a mutual understanding of a similar struggle. I want someone to talk to who will make me feel whole again. I have this emptiness that comes and goes, and no matter how religious I may be, I still feel sadness consuming me. It's not fun and I wish it would stop.

I wish I could stop thinking for a few seconds and understand how it is to be blissfully unaware of how shitty everything in life is. I sound so angsty and I can imagine some 47 year-old reading this in anger because I think my life is hard when they have three kids and one of them is starting college and wondering how many bills I have to pay or how many times I've gotten yelled at while at work. I can imagine. But people always tell me not to compare my strife to that of others. So when someone tells me all of the things going on with 
them, I won't feel like mine matter less. My problems are as real to me as their problems are to them.

I find myself playing my uke less and less. Maybe because I know I'm just going to give up on that like I do everything else. Or maybe because it sounds so happy when I'm most often not in that mental state.

Gabriella

New York City is Lonely

People tend to get the idea that you can't possibly be lonely in a city like this. People think that because you might be a Native New Yorker that you're outgoing and have friends everywhere and go to bars and sit on rooftops watching stars and meet beautiful strangers on trains. I don't doubt that for some people it's like that, but for most of the people I've met, this isn't the case at all.

Hunter College Skybridge; click for source

I've noticed that New Yorkers have somewhat of a hard time communicating with each other, and when someone takes the opportunity to speak to you, we think of it more as a threat. "Why is this stranger smiling at me?" "This guy is trying to talk to me I better look down and speed up." Stranger danger and all that. I go to Hunter College and people tend to not really speak to each other there either. We all sit there, looking sullen and bored, and what I've found out by talking to people is that everyone wants to talk, but we're all just waiting for someone else to initiate conversation. I don't think school or childhood general prepares you for socializing beyond those stages. When you're younger, anyone will talk about anything and pretend they're experts on subjects.

Get ready to go to school and become emotionally crippled by loneliness
Click for source

But as you get older, you become quieter. You overthink more and feel the pressure of judging eyes. You might be afraid of being ignored or your thoughts ruled out. I spoke a lot in my English class this past semester and it made me feel more confident. People were interested in my thoughts, and because I spend so much time thinking about certain things, I tend to have more to say on these subjects. It put me out of my comfort zone in the best way possible. My friend introduced me to some of her friends and I had a very easy time talking to them in comparison to how I would have felt just six months prior.

For all I know a stranger could have fallen in love with me on a train and I wouldn't know because when they try to approach me I snub them. What a crazy thought. Reminds me of someone on tumblr saying to feel good about yourself because as you're outside minding your own business, people you don't notice are intrigued by you and want to know you and momentarily fall in love with you, etc. I think how often I do the same to others, how I want to know their story and favorite color and dislikes. I think about how often I see someone who makes my heart speed up for that moment. It wouldn't be entirely insane to assume that others do the same to me. That's cool.

Gabriella

12:58 a.m.

I feel very alone. I'm not alone, but that's how I feel. It's nobody's fault but my own. I have a very hard time communicating which puts a hefty strain on my personal relationships. I get to see my therapist on Tuesday for the first time in what seems to be over two weeks. I'm excited for that and feel as though I have a lot to talk about.

I miss college and miss talking to people about their ideas. There was a man in my English class who was very thoughtful and I enjoyed hearing him talk about just his beliefs and opinions. He was a very technical person, and I like these people. People who speak carefully and think about their words; people who think with their heads and not their hearts. I'm a very emotional person and my feelings tend to rule my life over the logic I know I possess. I want to be around people like that again. My friends are not like that. Which isn't bad; they're like me and sometimes you need a short break from who you are.

I was thinking of taking another English class with a large discussion portion but the extra money is a bit worrisome for me. But I enjoy college and I enjoy learning so maybe I'll do it. Maybe it'll pay off in wondrous ways. But I think that the more I write, the more the person I try to be comes out. Being that speaking is so difficult for me, I express many things in words. When speaking I ditch the flowery language and beautiful metaphors. When writing I feel completely different, as though my words can have an impact on people. I don't feel I have an impact on people. And if I do, it's not a very good one, I think. I have no reason to write now, however. There is no purpose for me to do so, and in a way I feel empty; as if a part of me is missing. It's one of those things hitting me lately and makes me feel pressured to decide what I may want in life. For now I want peace mostly, and a sense of belonging. But I want other things. I want companionship, I want to make beautiful things, I want to work with people, and I want to help people. I like making others happy. I like seeing people smile. I can understand that I don't look the friendliest. I have a nose piercing and a septum ring. My hair is slightly burgundy and a bit unruly with its curls at times. But I know I'm a good person. It's very hard convincing others that you are, however.

I don't know if this post has spelling errors, as I am on my phone. I'll check in the morning. I think I'll exercise when I wake up at 9:30 and then take a shower and relax for an hour with some green tea and blogging on tumblr.

I hope in the morning I will feel even better than how I did when I woke up on Sunday. I hope and pray for the best.

Gabriella

Happier Days

Might be on the way, I should add. I had a very good day. I exercised, I drank a lot of water, I told myself I was beautiful and a great person. I've had a slight smile on my face all day. I feel very at peace. More so than usual. And I think I've been speaking to God a lot today. Saying thank you and all. Which is nice.

I think a lot of good things are happening and will happen. I'm very relaxed right now and I got rid of a ton of clothing earlier. Clothing I don't want to go back to because of memories which need to be left in the past. This feels very sullen. This feels like a very sullen post. But I bought some green tea my three favorite veggies in frozen form today so that's fun. I think I'm going to start Inherit the Wind tonight and see how that goes. I wish I could ask someone to read it with me but I don't know anyone who I think would be into it, and I wouldn't know where to begin to ask.

In other news, I found Jacob Graham's blog which is very cool. I'm looking forward to reading his posts and such. So yeah.

I'm tired. Very, very tired.

Gabriella